No one should read this. This is just a method of self care that I’m attempting because, honestly, why not? The medications don’t work as well as I expected, the therapy sessions keep progressing at a snail’s pace, and at the end of it all, I still find myself staring at the wall in the middle of the day, wondering how I ended up here of all places.
The journey started months ago, even years, I'm not totally sure. I was naive back then, with the mental capacity of a toddler trying to make sense of this hibernating parasite that I had just unearthed one day. It was always there, in the background, hiding, making itself known in glimpses and moments where I would least expect. I guess I always knew I had an issue, but I had somehow convinced myself that I was better than other people and that I would overcome this without anybody else's help. Oh how wrong I was. My years of studying to be a doctor, the vast expanses of theory that I had memorized, the countless interactions with different patient with different ailments, nothing prepared me for what I was about to go through. I was foolish, and I thought that I could beat it myself. But I don't think anybody can. Everybody needs a support system, I refused to have one.
I was always prone to criticism, maybe more than a child warranted. But nothing I can do about it now. Life taught me lessons of hatred, self-judgement, harsh criticism towards my actions. Every setback I faced could always be traced back to me, I was at fault, it was my mistake, even when it wasn't. But I didn't know any better. I went through life with blatant ignorance for my own happiness, and valued my worth based on what others thought of me. If I couldn't meet their expectations, I didn't meet my expectations. My happiness was dependent on the happiness of others. I had no sense of self worth.
